Words from the Latin root word “grat” have to do with being pleasing. “Gratus” is to be thankful, which became “grateful.” “Gratis,” meaning esteem or favor, evolved as “gracious.”
Gracious and grateful – words in the same immediate family, yet worlds apart for me. This journey is helping me bridge the emotional gap between them.
My upbringing was no picnic, which I have alluded to in other posts. It was, in the words of abuse survivor Patrick Stewart, “barely tolerable.” I have spent my adult life working hard to neutralize the negative childhood messages drilled into my subconscious: You were not wanted. You will never amount to anything. You are not important. You are not loved.
When those you trust and rely upon to take care of you tell you that you have no value, you tend to believe them. Is it any wonder that as an adult, I took criticism to heart, and let praise roll right off me? It is also no surprise I found it almost impossible to accept generosity, assuming there were strings attached, or tripping to the emotional default: I Am Not Worthy.
When people were kind to me as a young adult, I assumed they pitied me; they saw the shipwreck of my existence and tossed a lifesaver. It couldn’t have occurred to me then that they saw the drive and the potential and wanted to contribute to a promising future.
When I achieved some career success, life became a mental tit-for-tat. I kept score, always vigilantly cognizant of the favors done for me, so that I could reciprocate in kind. Gifts begat gifts. One good party invitation deserved another. It wasn’t a competition; it was the only way I knew how to accept generosity. And in my mind, I was always in arrears.
This new way of living presents almost boundless opportunities for personal growth. Think about it: I no longer have a home for lavish parties, or an income suited for presents and picking up the tab; what I do have is time and attention, a love of meeting new people and learning new things, and an endless enthusiasm for life. In other words, I have me to give.
At the same time I have less to offer in the way of tangible things, I have been blown away by the outpouring of affection and generosity of total strangers who have given tours, meals, parking, introductions, camaraderie, and friendship, with zero expectation of anything in return.
Take, as a shining example, the Kaiglers from Detroit. I met them at the Kentucky Derby, at a time that I was feeling particularly sorry for myself because of my health. They were just the tonic I needed.
They extended an invitation: “If you are ever in Detroit, let us show you around.” I replied, “I hope you mean it, because I have a motorhome and nothing but time on my hands, and I’ll take you up on it!”
Preparing to exit New England at the end of the summer, I emailed the family about potential dates. My visit would coincide with Shirley’s birthday, which didn’t bother her in the least. She got busy planning.
On my first day in town the Kaiglers introduced me to friends, and they all gave me a walking and driving tour of Detroit. Their pride in their city and all that is being accomplished was infectious. We ate and drank at some of the newest and best bars and restaurants in Detroit along the way.
The next day it was time for the annual family apple picking outing, followed by lunch, where I got to meet more new friends and see some of the family I met in Kentucky. It was wonderful to see everyone again.
On my last day in the area, Shirley, her husband Darnell and her sister Regina took me to their getaway on Lake Huron in Canada, where we had lunch and watched the sun set.
The entire Kaigler family are the embodiment of graciousness. After three days, my face hurt from smiling and laughing so much. I felt warm and welcome.
The Kaiglers, and so, so many others, are not merely restoring my faith in humanity, which was a pretty tall order given my time as a trial lawyer. I am infinitely grateful for the opportunity to shed the vestiges of toxic thinking and to embrace the kindness of others on its face. That is the greatest gift of all.
This Post Has 22 Comments
What a beautiful tribute to the Kaigler family! Restores your faith in humanity.
I am grinning from ear to ear!!! Thank you for sharing!!!
xoxo
How wonderful! Love you, friend!
You too, Miss Molly.
Resonates with my personality & upbringing. So glad you’re continuing to grow and achieve bliss. I’m going to follow in your footsteps
Live forward/give forward. What an inspiration for us!
Beautiful story and family. It’s time to change the lady is a tramp to the lady is a champ. You’re making a difference and overcoming adversity every day.
Awww, thanks, Scott! Your comment made my day.
Love you Tammy!
Right back at you two!
There’s always room for growth. I’m so glad you found a way to embrace it and absorb such a worthy gift. Thank you Kaiglers for loving on you. You are worthy! ❤️❤️
You’ve met a lot of interesting and caring people on this journey of yours and seen some amazing sights and places.
Love you!!!:)
What a great experience. The last picture is awesome….so serene.
It was so nice meeting and spending time with you, Tammy and our good friends the Kaiglers. Chris and I enjoyed giving you a very mini tour of Detroit, the city we love. Please know that you are more than welcome to stay with us in our cooperative in the sky whenever you make it back to Detroit. We continue to enjoy your wonderful postings. Take care and travel safe.
Kim, it was so lovely to meet you and Chris in Detroit. Thanks for a great afternoon, and I look forward to seeing you again!
I loved our visit and dinner in MA! You go girl!!
Good to hear from you, Leslie!
Thanks again, Tammy, for sharing another part of your story. I am grinning from ear to ear as well.
Your stories are always heartwarming and informative. I’ve never thought to visit Detroit. Who knew?
Hugs from both of us.
I just found your blog this morning. I cannot stop reading. You have such a positive and upbeat attitude so needed in these days. Hope to meet you in our travels one day.
Ginny, thank you for reading and for your kind words!
You missed the Detroit Zoo and Belle Isle! Now you have to plan another visit! Here is a little information on the gem of Belle Isle, the Aquarium: “The Belle Isle Aquarium was designed by famed Detroit architect, Albert Kahn, and opened on August 18, 1904. It is the oldest aquarium in the country and has served the Detroit community as a beloved attraction for generations. In 2005, the city of Detroit announced that the Aquarium was to be closed due to lean economic times for the city. The building remained closed to the public until the Belle Isle Conservancy reopened it on September 15, 2012. Over the past three years, the aquarium has exploded in popularity, evident by the attendance numbers that have TRIPLED over the course of the past year. “Momentum” is truly the best term for what is happening in this historic building! A work-in-progress, the aquarium continues to grow and flourish as new exhibits and fish are added, tanks are restored, and history is preserved for generations to come.” There is also a beautiful conservatory “Tour one of the nation’s oldest turn-of-the-century glass houses still in existence and oldest continually running conservatories in the U.S. The conservatory boasts 13 acres, a formal perennial garden, seasonal floral beds, a lily pond garden and five sections of flora” and the Dossin Great Lakes Museum! I love Detroit!!!!!!!